The Ecstacy of Contradiction
“There’s no coming to consciousness without pain.”
This winter has been a drain for me. If we’re close enough, you might know that I live with chronic illness, and accompanying chronic pain, mental health issues, and exhaustion - all of which is exasperated each winter, as the cold and winter itself wraps her claws around my bones, activating symptoms, fears, and pain.
I find myself lost in this dark and enveloping sea, having intense and cathartic dreams at night, and spending my days in hot baths or wrapped up in a blanket with hot tea in my home art studio. While the anguish of it all brings me deep down, I also find a cleansing and clear space here - almost spiritual in nature. When I’m at my most calm, I can feel the anxiety of fall drain from my body like a swamp. This depression may sound like anguish, but similarly to the anguish of being bound up or blindfolded by a lover unable to predict or fully control what comes next, the lack of ability to act allows for a total submission to the Great and Holy Domme of life itself.
I think we forget to dive into these womb-like spaces of grief, of wanton despair, of apathy, of boredom - feelings as natural to winter as the crisp air and quiet snow. And something about practicing the complex nature of intimacy - especially intimacy that plays with power dynamic, with range of sensation, with contradictory emotions - prepares us to dive into ourselves in this way, to find the treasure that lies deep within us.
Today as I fantasized about a cuck of mine being locked in chastity, tied and forced to watch me reach heights of carnal pleasure another man - I found myself getting lost empathizing with the overwhelm my little slut would experience. Pain at every moment of pleasure, as his cock fights with his chastity device. Humiliation and jealousy and yet intense adoration for me, for my body, for his Domina at every slight gaze. There is something wildly thrilling about the overwhelm that consumes our conscious mind and cracks open unconscious spaces within us when expanding the boundaries inside ourselves to the point of breaking. With every subtle or vast contradiction of experience, of emotion, of the relentlessly uncontrollable thing it is to be human, we evolve.
XO,
Fera